Loved Back to Life: From Panic to Peace in Christ

One summer evening, I remember lying on my couch staring at the clock on the wall, feeling so numb. I counted my heartbeats as they got slower and slower, and in my tears, I just wanted to die. I didn’t want to live life any longer because all the pain from all the trauma, the depression, the anxiety was too much. I felt like no one cared, no one loved me, and I was alone. When people did get close to me, I would keep them at a distance because I didn’t want any more pain in my life. I didn’t want to get triggered emotionally. My friends and family, not knowing how to handle what I was going through, started to slowly back away. I felt lonely, but I also didn’t want to be hurt by letting them get too close. I was alone much of the time when I had panic attacks. I remember lying on the stairs in a full panic attack, thinking, I am going to die alone.

Because I was so anxious with panic and fear, these intense emotions kept me from doing the things I once loved to do, driving being the biggest. Being in a large, crowded space felt like I was in everyone's conversation all at once, and it would trigger a panic attack. It made me feel like my life was not my life anymore. I was in a deep depression. I wouldn’t eat, and I hardly left my apartment. I was housebound by these crippling emotions and physically exhausted.  One friend who truly did care talked me into going to the doctor and getting on some medicine. I am a person who doesn’t like to take anything unless I have to. I always felt like I was going against the very prayers I was praying. But I did go and get on Zoloft. This medicine made the anxiety and panic twice as bad as it was before. I lost periods of my life that I don’t remember, 3 months to be exact. I was told I would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming from a dead sleep, and then just go back to sleep. I would sleepwalk, and my roommate would wake up to me just standing over him. What I would find out many years later is that the reason why the medicine didn’t work was that you can’t medicate a demon. 

September is National Suicide Awareness Month, and if some of you resonate with my story, then know you’re not alone and know that there is hope. That summer evening, I really wanted to die, but I am glad I did not go through with it because now I can help other women who have gone through the same things as me become free. I've been free of anxiety, fear, and panic for over a decade because of Jesus setting me free. Your story is your testimony. Your testimony is your calling, your unique calling that no one else can do but you. Someone out there is waiting on you to help them overcome the very thing that the devil tried to torture you with. You see, the devil knows you have a great purpose for your life, and that is why he created the trauma; that’s why you were molested, or that’s why your father or mother hurt you, because the devil knows if he can oppress you, then you won’t want to do the calling on your life. God has a plan and purpose for you, and the second he knitted you in your mother's womb, he placed that purpose within you. The first step is tearing down the lies of the devil, coming out of agreement with thoughts of worthlessness, unworthy of being loved, all the negative thoughts, come out of agreement with in Jesus' name, and then tell the devil his legal rights are gone and to leave in Jesus' name. Secondly, rebuild your relationship with Christ. You have to know whose you are, and that means getting scripture in your heart and replacing the negative thoughts with thoughts of what Christ says about you.  I have a free eBook I will link below, but it will help you build back your identity in Christ. 

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